10 mature and logical ways to handle being dumped
1. Stalk
Call her late at night, follow her car wherever she goes, show up unexpectedly and demand to be let inside. If you want to go the extra mile you can break into her apartment and give her a facial while she sleeps.
What you hope will happen:
She will notice you there in her rear-view mirror, realize how much time and effort you are putting into this, and have an epiphany that you are her one true love. Either that or you are looking for an aha-moment where you can find her and the guy she cheated on you with so you can kill them both.
What will actually happen:
She will realize how little of a life you actually have, how pathetic and needy you are, which will make her incredibly creeped out. At this point if you had any kind of an opening it will be closed permanently. She will also begin to be increasingly scared of you and at some point a restraining order will be filed.
2. Get drunk and have indiscriminate sex
Go out and revel in the single life, sleeping with any willing person, preferably somebody of a different race/age-group and whom the ex was prejudiced against.
What you hope will happen:
You will forget about your ex, you also hope that she hears about your exploits and feels horror and jealous rage. You hope that she will show up on your door-step bitter and heartbroken.
What will actually happen:
You will not only not forget about her, you will remember her while having sex with one of your new, hastily-chosen lays. You will, while penetrating this other chick, suddenly realize how much you miss her, at which point you will lose interest and go limp. If your ex does find out about your sexual exploits and the odds are that they won’t, the reaction will likely be genuine disinterest.
3. Write interminable blog posts/short stories or poems about betrayal
Spam the Internet as well as the slush-piles of small literary magazines with your heartbreak. Put the intensity of your pain into words and throw it out there for all to see.
What you hope will happen:
People will recognize what a deep, sensitive soul you are, and how much you have suffered and feel sorry for you. They will identify with your pain and soon you will have an army of the heartbroken joined with you in your crusade of inner despair.
What will actually happen:
People will mistake you for a 13 year-old girl. You will also find out that heartbreak on paper is incredibly disgusting to read, no matter how well you express it.
4. Commit suicide
Of course leaving a note explaining that she is the main reason you are doing this and that you still love her and will always love her because she is your one true love etc..
What you hope will happen:
You hope you will survive your suicide event, but just barely so that she knows you were serious. While they are still trying to fix you in the ER the note will find its way to her hands where she will read it and realize that you truly love her because you were willing to die rather than live without her.
What will actually happen:
If she even hears about it she will realize what a fucking whackjob you are and how smart a decision it was to leave your ass. Every friend she has will reinforce this decision. If you survive the attempt they will probably encourage her to move away before you get released from the mental hospital. If you do die, they will encourage her to stay away from the funeral and move on.
5. Try to bed a close relative of hers
Preferably that hot sister with whom she has always had a rivalry for their daddy’s attention.
What you hope will happen:
She will be incredibly hurt, furious and have no one to blame, because you will have fucked and moved on. You are just that kind of guy. You will have a story to nonchalantly tell your friends as you sit in the sports bar sipping Bud Light and watching football on a Monday night.
What will actually happen:
Not only does her family have no more attractive women in it, the ones who are left are fiercely loyal to her or wanted you gone a long time ago. Were you to try, even subtly to seduce a family member you would be shot down and become an anecdote that would be told to every subsequent boyfriend as a joke.
6. Get drunk and masturbate while sniffing a pair of her dirty underwear
Don’t have the energy to stalk? Scared shitless of her new boyfriend/lesbian lover? With this one you can feel close to her without exposing yourself to danger.
What you hope will happen:
You will feel close to her again and this will ease your heartbreak. You don’t care about pride, or self-esteem, or grossness, you just want her back because it hurts so bad.
What will actually happen:
If you are willing to do this, you are actually in a spiral to something much worse. It means that you have given up on even trying to act like a self-respecting, sane human being and are shifting to the kind of person who will actually kill somebody.
7. Go gay
Swear off the whole gender, just up and switch your preference. They say it’s not a choice, well, you are going to prove them wrong. You will take cock until you like it, goddammit.
What you hope will happen:
You will be insulated from all further heartbreak by being with the gender that understands just what you need and want from a relationship. It will also make your ex full of jealous hatred.
What will actually happen:
You will gradually get more and more depressed by the stress of pretending to be something you are not. You will grow to hate yourself and become more and more manic as your life-style feels more and more wrong. Intead of being forgotten and completely in the past, your heartbreak will stay with you as long as you work to avoid it.
8. Show up at her workplace and attempt to carry her off like the guy in An Officer and a Gentleman
Carry out the working-woman’s wet-dream of Richard Gere in uniform whisking her away like the adorable princess she is. Taking her away from her livelihood because he intends to take care of her for the rest of her life.
What you hope will happen:
You expect a lifetime of gratitude as she worships you while bearing beatiful children and you live happily someplace pretty, like Vermont.
What will actually happen:
If you try to do this literally, and lets say she wants to go with you will find that she is heavier than you expected, also that the doorways are incredibly narrow. Also, credits don’t roll in real life. The sweet, dramatic romantic gestures are usually followed by decades of poverty and mutual disillusioned disgust. It is mostly likely, though, that she will not want to go with you, at which point, the kind of guy who would seriously try something like this would pull his guns from his camo pants and start shooting her coworkers.
9. Call your best friend and bitch about it
That’s what you have them there for, right? To provide comfort and counsel in times of distress.
What you hope will happen:
That they will listen and have something to offer, some new encouraging perspective that will change everything. You will find comfort in the fact that somebody, somewhere still loves you.
What will actually happen:
The definition of a friend (in real life, not the Internet) in most cases is this: someone who sees the possibility of needing a favor from you in the future. That’s it. How good a friend they are depends on how soon they see themselves asking you for something. If they are ok for the moment, they will pay half-assedly pay attention to your woes and commiserate all the time wishing you would just go mope to yourself. If they see themselves being in need of something in the near future they will eagerly offer advice none of which will be practical, but it gives you something to think about till they leave or hang up.
10. Get a makeover and a trophy partner and show up where she is
Buy yourself some new clothes, a nice car and find some chick who while utterly vacuous, looks way better than your ex.
What you hope will happen:
She will see you and be plunged into a whirl-pool of self-hatred and remorse which will start a chain of events culminating in her tearfully calling you one night begging to be taken back.
What will actually happen:
She won’t care. If she really knew you she will see it for what it is and feel mild pity tempered by utter disinterest, but most likely it won’t matter to her enough to bother thinking much into it. You will wind up spending a long evening with somebody you find utterly boring, acting in a farce and wishing that you had not gone to all that trouble.
