10 Reasons alcohol is the best drug
1. Private
Nobody has to know that I am drunk while at work. Soak my fruit-salad in vodka, nobody knows anything. Whiskey in my coffee, perfectly ok. You can’t do that with a blunt. I can smell weed 3 miles away if I am down-wind and nobody is grilling anything. While heroin-addicts can actually be quite productive, they have a shelf-life, sooner or later they just start staying home, whereas a true alcoholic can hold a job for decades without anybody knowing anything. Even if somebody does figure out that you are drunk at work, in most cases they will ignore it until you fuck up. Believe it or not, this actually gives you motivation for not fucking up.
2. Taste
You get to please a sense as you get your high. If you don’t want to bother acquiring a taste for the rougher-tasting shit, like whiskey, you can go get a bottle of Bailey’s or schnapps or some fruity drink that completely masks the taste of the alcohol. This is like having sex with a girl who is both easy AND hot, for those of you who can’t relate to this, it’s like having food that is both good for you AND tastes good.
3. You can make it yourself
Sure you can grow plants inside your house, but it takes awhile and you worry about no-knock warrants and people coming to steal your money and product. You can make wine with very little trouble in your kitchen with a few pieces of fruit, water sugar and yeast. You can make a still, but that is illegal unless you want to produce alcohol for fuel purposes, but it’s possible. Granted it will all taste pretty shitty and possibly make you blind, but it depends on how badly you want to get drunk and how broke you are. My point is that if you can McGyver a high out of common household goods, that’s a pretty good thing.
4. Long history
If it were that bad for humanity it would have been done away with a long time ago. The fact that it is as popular as it is and other things are not more popular works as a kind of evolution. Alcohol is better or would not be as accepted, or exist everywhere and in immense variety.
5. Easily available
They serve it in church, how much more ubiquitous can you get? Your high is $3 and walking distance away if you are in the city. If you live in the country see #3. If you are worried and depressed, and have a few dollars you can self-medicate. You have the option. You may choose not to take it, but it’s there if you want it. I would bet that there is nobody reading this who could not get drunk in the next 30 minutes if they chose to. There may be consequences, but the drinking part of it is doable.
6. Impenetrable high
A good drunk takes you out of your life for a little while. That’s why people drink…distance. Usually, it lasts about 20 minutes, then you spend the rest of the night trying to find it again. The 20 minutes, however, is worth it for your dedicated drinker. Nothing breaks through in that 20 minutes. Your house could be on fire, your dick could fall off, you could lose the sight in one eye, that 20 minutes allows you to handle it. It’s like a return to the womb, except you know exactly what is going on around you. At the peak of a good drunk you are perfectly, completely, utterly, lucid. You understand all even if your mind is a little slow.
7. Built-in kill-switch
Usually referred to as your “liver”. You drink enough you get sick. Granted people do die of alcohol poisoning, but that’s because they went out of their way to bypass the switch. Mostly, if you drink at a normal pace and try to sit in your high-spot for as long as possible, you get sick when that is no longer possible, and you don’t want to taste alcohol anymore. You cannot OD with normal, moderate usage unless there is something wrong with you.
8. Adventure!
People who smoke tend to just sit there, whereas drunk people drunk people have adventures. The whole world feels like a new place that must be explored from this exciting new place. If you stumble it feels comical, like nothing bad was going to happen if you fell. Alcohol can serve as a motivator to do stuff.
9. Goggles
Not only do you get the distance mentioned in 6, everything you see looks better. The food at Waffle House looks good, the girls you would never ever think of talking to are suddenly attractive, the bathroom at the bar looks clean enough that you would touch the urinal flusher without a second thought. People look more friendly, even the ones from other races. Music sounds better even if you hate the whole genre when sober. Your vehicle skills which were never all that great, feel like those of a Formula One driver. Everything in life is better than it ever was without the coating of alcohol.
10. Not much of a stigma
Meaning you have to completely fucking destroy your life before the noun “drunk” stings at all, and by then it won’t sting much. Alcohol does not addict you overnight, it’s a very slow crawl to the point where you are going off to the liquor-store on your lunch break and an even longer crawl to where you are drinking out of a paper bag on the sidewalk in the ‘hood. You will not be ostracized until you hit that last sidewalk step. Many people get drunk regularly, the ones that don’t are used to drunks, it does not shock anybody, you won’t be a pariah until you slam into a school-bus or break into the church and take a shit on the altar. There are also a lot of “recovered alcoholics” out there, nobody thinks you are beyond hope until your liver decides to just give up.
